I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
