Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
