I bet he comes in French.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
