He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
