If i come over, it means nothing
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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