My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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