we're chasing vodka with high fives
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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