Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
