Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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