If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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