Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
