Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
