Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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