Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
you had me at cake vodka
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
