She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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