my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
MIDGETS
????
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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