I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
