so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
