Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
