no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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