Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
