I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
