awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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