Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
