direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
