My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
