I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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