the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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