I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
