i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
