we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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