My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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