I heard we made out
Nicole vs. Life
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
