He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My penis needs a shock collar
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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