That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
