I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
