matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
