On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
