I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
