I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
