I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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