Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
