I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
