im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
