what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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