Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just invented taco cereal.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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