Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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