I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
