You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
