So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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