Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
