Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
