you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
