The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
