I think I won the penis lottery.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
