My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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