a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
