Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
